Life and Times of the Amazing Jessica At Hogwarts
by CrzyMonkyFrk
Summary: This is a story of the most amazing witch ever to attend Hogwarts. Even more amazing then Harry Potter and Chuck Norris put together. This is a Mary Sue Parody.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a story of the most amazing witch ever to attend Hogwarts. Even more amazing then Harry Potter and Chuck Norris put together! Mary Sue Parody.**

Once upon a time the most annoying girl on the planet (even to the Muggles) and her name was Jessica. Randomly Jessica decided that she wanted to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to learn how to do magic so that she could be even more awesome. So she waved goodbye to her parents, who honestly could care less if their estrange daughter wanted to learn hocus pocus, and headed towards the train station. Unfortunately Jessica was an American and she had to swim across the ocean first. She braved sharks and jellyfish Voldermort was no match for this one.

"I made it!" Jessica shouted gleefully as she stepped onto the beach. "Look out Hogwarts here I come!"

A scruffy old man who could have been 10,000 years old came out of a run-down shack to see Jessica frolicking along with the waves. "Did I just hear ya say Hogwarts?" he screamed at her.

"Yes, I'm going to Hogwarts to be the best witch ever because I am the most amazing person you will ever know." Jessica flashed a blinding white smile.

"Well ain't Hogwarts in England? You're in Iceland." The man grumbled and coughed a little into a white napkin.

"Iceland?! How the hell did I end up in Iceland?!" Jessica was bemused. "People like me do not get lost!"

"I don't care who ya are but you are on my property!" The old man started to hobble over to her shaking his weathered cane fiercely.

"No I'm allergic to old people! Stay back!" Jessica ran back into the ocean where a dolphin was waiting for her. "Take me to England!" she shouted as she latched onto the marine animal's back. And the dolphin who could sense how amazingly awesome Jessica was burst out into open water heading for England.

Meanwhile the man on the beach had fallen over and couldn't get up. So Voldermort came and killed him.

When Jessica really got to England this time she started dancing. That is until she noticed some local fishermen had caught her dolphin friend in a net. "Hey!" She screamed outraged. "You better make me some good tuna out of that!" And then she floated away merrily towards London where she would join the other and less talented members of the wizarding community.

Meanwhile Voldermort came and killed the fishermen. Then he made an allegiance with the dolphin.

Jessica was in London in remarkable timing. She ran through the pillar to reach Platform 9 ¾ even though she didn't have any trunks of clothing, books, or general supplies. Most importantly she didn't even have a Hogwarts letter so technically she wasn't even supposed to be allowed on the train but that didn't stop Jessica.

Jessica sat alone in a compartment flicking her wand between her fingers gently. How she managed to get a wand we shall never know but she had one now and that is the point. Out of all the possible compartments on the entire train Harry Potter, Ron Weasly, and Hermione Granger all decided to sit with Jessica.

"'Ello!" Ron smiled brightly at the new girl. "My name's Ron. This is Harry and Hermione." He introduced as he help Hermione load her trunk into the overhead shelve.

"My name is Jessica." Jessica stated bluntly.

"Oh, but you are not _the_ Jessica are you?" Hermione looked shocked as she studied Jessica's face carefully. "The one who destroyed the infamous American dark wizard Kirk Keeganburg!"

"Who is that?" Harry asked in a cute little way. "Never heard of him."

"Harry he is the American equivalent of You-Know-Who!" Hermione gasped. She was astonished that anyone would not know who Kirk Keeganburg is. Why couldn't everyone devote all their time and energy to books and learning like she could?

"Yes, I am that Jessica." Jessica said proudly. "I vanquish dark wizards better than your so called Aurors. In fact I bet I could beat them too."

"Wait a minute." Hermione eyed Jessica cautiously. "Kirk Keeganburg died over fifty years ago. You couldn't have been the Jessica that destroyed him!"

"Oh yeah well if I wanted to kill him I could have because I am so awesome. And powerful." Jessica boasted. "And you're just a dumb little girl."

"Hey! Don't talk to Hermione that way!" Ron and Harry both shouted at the same time. They raised their wands in unison as well. "Besides I'm not a little girl." Herminie scoffed. "I'm older than you. You're a first year."

"I am not. I'm skipping up to year 8." Jessica crossed her arms, ignoring the fact that Harry and Ron both had their wands trained on her.

"There is no such thing as year 8! You only go to Hogwarts for 7 years!" Hermione protested.

"Well I'm changing things around at Hogwarts." Jessica mimicked Hermione's know-it-all voice.

"She'll wind up in Slytherin for sure." Ron rolled his eyes. "How about you leave our compartment huh?"

Jessica glared at Ron "Your compartment? I was here first you little red headed-"

"Stupefy!" Harry shouted. But Jessica stood there untouched. You see when you are as perfect as Jessica simple spells have no effect on you whatsoever.

"Ha-ha! You fools!" Jessica laughed loudly. "Now get out of here!" She point out the door. Ron, Hermione, and Harry grumbled loudly and left the compartment. Just as they left another boy poked his head in.

"Hey have you seen my toad? I can't find it anywhere!" Neville Longbottom complained.

"Oh that was yours?" Jessica asked timidly.

"Yes! Have you seen him?!" Neville got excited that someone might have seen where his long lost toad Trevor had gone to.

"I accidentally flushed him down the toilet. Sorry." Jessica shrugged.

"What? Why would you do something like that!?" Neville began to scream at the top of his lungs and shook his fists into the air.

"Sorry I thought he would have wanted to swim you know? I was only trying to help." Jessica yawned and looked back out the window. Malfoy pushed Neville down onto the ground from behind. "Stop you're shouting I was having my beauty sleep!"

"Who the hell do you think you are?!" Jessica stood up in her seat. Her head hit the ceiling with a thunk. "Son of a-"

Malfoy stared at the new girl in utter fascination. She was so beautiful with her golden brown hair and piercing blue eyes and flawless complexion. He immediately fell in love with a complete stranger with whom he had never spoken to or seen before right now. But that didn't matter because Malfoy was in LOVE.

"I love you." He whispered dreamily.

"Um.." Jessica muttered and rubbed the back of her. Neville looked up at her from the floor. "This is kind of awkward…" Neville sighed looking between Draco and Jessica with watering eyes.

"Yes, well since this is all starting to freak me out a bit, I'm leaving. Goodbye!" And no one saw Jessica until they train arrived at Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 2

All the new students were suppose to ride the boats with Hagrid to the castle but in case you did not know already Jessica was to good for that. She instead followed the group of older students towards the carriages.

"What is that?" She screamed pointing at the front of the self-carrying carriage. "What is what?" Dean Thomas asked from beside her. "There is nothing there."

But Jessica saw the black looking horses with creamy white eyes padding the ground softly with their hooves. She had never seen anyone die but when you are cool like Jessica you can see lots of stuff. "I changed my mind I want to ride on the boats! Those things are creepy!" So Jessica ran away towards the lake. But to her disappointment the last of the boats had left a long time ago. "Great. It's like nobody wants me to go to this stupid school!" Jessica huffed as she waded into the water slowly.

When Jessica reached the other side of the lake all the mermaids waved goodbye because she makes friends with everyone she happens to come across. "They make good tea down there." She sighed to herself.

A mere seconds after Jessica climbed up the rocky banks Voldermort showed up and killed all the mermaids. Then released his army of dolphins into the lake.

Jessica smiled as she pushed through the great hall doors. Everyone was already happily eating but when Jessica stepped into the great hall they turned and looked at her. Because she was amazing.

"Ah! Just who I have been looking for!" Dumbledore stood up from the head table. "Everyone may I have your attention please?"

Everyone turned their heads back to Professor Dumbledore. Jessica finally reached the front of the hall and stood beside him. "Everyone we will have a new student this year and her name is Jessica. Lot's of schools get new students but this one is like twenty times better in case you haven't already noticed. But Jessica is not an ordinary witch. You see Jessica is Harry Potter's younger sister."

The hall broke out in gasps of shock. "What? I don't have a younger sister!" Harry was outraged and on his feet at the Gryffindor table.

"Harry Jessica is your sister. You're just going to have to get over this." Dumbledore said sternly.

"Hold on a minute!" Hermione was on her feet now. "Why are you announcing this to the whole entire school body? Shouldn't this be something you discuss with Harry in private?"

Dumbledore gently removed with spectacles and rubbed his eyes with his long fingers. "Hermione," He began. "You should just shut up because I'm like a hundred years older than you so I think I know what I am doing. Plus I'm the freakin' Headmaster here and you are just a little girl!"

The hall erupted with laughter and Hermione sat down gloomily. Jessica smiled and Dumbledore gestured for her to make a speech. Because all new students make speechses.

"Well, I'm sure we are all going to get along great this year," She was interrupted by Draco who was shouting at her "JESSICA I LOVE YOU!"

"Somebody get that kid out of here." Jessica muttered to the security staff. Draco was hauled off to the dungeons.

"So anyway like I was saying, I'm sure you all will come to love me as much if not more than I love myself." Jessica bowed to the stupendous appualse and went to be sorted.

"GRYFINDOR!" The sorting hat shouted when it barely touched her head. "NO WAIT!" It shouted again "PUT ME BACK ON!"

McGonagal placed the hat back onto Jessica's head. "SLYTHERIN! NO WAIT I MEAN HUFFELPUFF! ERM RAVENCLAW! THAT'S IT RAVENCLAW!"

"I don't want to be in Raven claw!" Jessica protested loudly.

"FINE THEN GRYFINDOR!" The sorting hat finally came to it's conclusion. Ron, Hermonie and Harry all groaned loudly from the house table. Draco looked crushed. But he was still in the dungeon so nobody cared. Hopping down from the stool Jessica skipped and sat down next to Harry. "Hey big bro!"

"I'm not your brother!" Harry said to her with visible anger.

"Yeah you are mom hid me in America so we could someday wind up together and defeat Lord Voldemort as a team." Jessica grabbed at some food before a first year could grab it first.

"Maybe you parents hated you so they sent you to America so you would never find Harry." Hermonie suggested at Ron's roaring approval.

Jessica glared at Hermonie. "Shut up, if your parents love you so much how come they are barely ever mentioned in the books?"

"What? What books?" Hermonie asked. "I've read the entire library!"

"Erm, never mind. So Harry why don't we catch up, you know brother to sister." Jessica punched Harry on the shoulder a little to hard.

"Harry who is she?" Ginny Weasly sat opposite of them looking at Jessica. "I didn't know you had a sister."

"She's not my sister! She is some maniac who somehow got into Hogwarts!"

"That's it Harry I'm telling mom on you!" Jessica shouted.

"Our mom is DEAD!" Harry shouted back.

"Oh shut up Harry, we get it your parents are dead big deal. When are you going to stop complaining about that?" Snape asked walking by the table.

"Hey what's up uncle Snape!" Jessica gave Snape a high-five.

"Hey how is my favorite niecey-poo?" Snap crooned and pinched Jessica's cheek.

"Snape is not our uncle!" Harry immediately said.

"He is my uncle." Jessica said smugly. "Not yours."

"If we are brother and sister we would have the same uncle you dumbass!" Harry screamed throwing food up into the air like a child compared to the obviously more mature and sophisticated Jessica.

"Put a sock in it Harry this story is about me not you." Jessica shook her fist at her brother.

"Hey!" Proffessor McGonagal shouted from the head table. "Everyone shut the hell up and stop cramming your faces like a bunch of fatties it's bedtime! Prefects this is your only job in the whole series so get to it!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I just wanted to let everyone know. I am a huuuuuuuuge Harry Potter fan and I harbor no ill-will or hate towards other people's Ocs or their stories. This is just an **_**EXTREME **_**exaggeration of that. I just like writing these outrageous stories, this one I actually wrote for my little brother. If you don't like it, or will get offended by it, don't continue reading it. That's all I have to say about that.**

Jessica jumped up and down on her feather bed. "Why? Why did they make me room with her?" Hermione cried out loud. Ginny sighed beside her. "You think you have it bad? She is going to be my sister-in-law someday."

"Hey girls. Let's stay up all night a tell ghost stories!" Jessica flopped down onto her bed. Her hair was perfect and her night gown was completely smooth.

"Ghost stories arent scary you idiot we have ghosts living in the castle." Hermione growled pulling out a book abot trolls, or orges, or whatever the hell she reads I don't even know.

"Well screw you Her-hiney." Jessica mocked. "I'm going to go explore the castle then."

"You can't just go walking around the castle at night. You'll get kicked out." Ginny pointed out. "Just because you are new here doesn't mean you can go around breaking all the rules and stuff."

"Um. Excuse me, Ginny. In case you haven't noticed my name is JESSICA. So I pretty much can do whatever I want because all the professors already love me and stuff even Snape even if that is incredibly out of charcter for him." And with that Jessica left the room and went down to the common room were Dean Thomas and Neville and that other kid Sawmus or Seamush whatever his name is, were hanging out by the fireplace.

"Oi!" Jessica shouted. "What the hell is going on here?!"

Neville, Dean and Sawmus jumped up quickly. "Nothing!" They all said at once.

"You guys are all gay for each other aren't you?!" Jessica accused. Neville, Dean, and Seamush nodded sadly together.

"In that case you guys want to hit the mall later?" Jessica asked. "You guys are my gay posse."

"Um…okay." Neville sniffled. "That's cool I guess."

"Of course it's cool. I'm Jessica!" And then she flitted out of the common room and into the corridors. Luna Lovegood was sitting on the stair case meditating.

"How's it going Looney?" Jessica asked as she sat down beside her.

"You are the chosen one!" Luna grabbed a hold of Jessica's face and started to shake it.

"Yeah I know I am the chosen one." Jessica pryed her face away and stood up.

"You will bring balance to the force! Destroy the sith Jessica!" Luna stood up too and started running around in circles. Then she started to laugh like a maniac. Because that's what crazy people do. "Okay then.." Jessica slowly started to back away from the crazy ass blonde.

"Hey what are you doing here?! Get yo' butt back in bed!" That one guy with the cat (you know the on that tries to boss everyone around but no one really listens to because he can't really do anything about it) shouted at Jessica. How dare he scream at her! Didn't he know who she was?

Jessica ran away from the ugly guy with the creepy cat leaving him alone in the dark. Then Voldemort came and killed him. Then he fed his cat to the army of dolphins. Yes, everything was coming together for our old pal Voldemort.

Meanwhile Jessica contiuned to wander around the hallways. Then she saw Nearly Headless Nick floating around doing nothing because he is a ghost and ghosts don't really do all that much. Anyway Jessica ran up to Nick and asked "Hey Nicky, why don't you take off your head?"

"Ugh. Because I am NEARLY headless." Nick answered annoyed. He had to answer this question a lot, stupid kids.

"Wow Nick, only a real ghost could take his head off. You fail at being a ghost. Way to go Nicky." Jessica laughed and skipped down the hallway leaving Nick crying in the hallway. And if you are wondering no an ordinary person couldn't make a ghost cry but Jessica was awesome so it didn't matter.

Then Voldemort came and killed Nick again. Only this time he cut his head completely off so now Nick was Totally Headless Nick. And Luna saw the whoooooooole thing. But no one is going to believe that whack job so it didn't even matter.

Jessica decided she had had enough of being a rebel so she went back to the common room where she found Dean and Neville making out on the floor while Sawmeus was filming the whole thing. "Knock it off you guys!" Jessica groaned as she climbed up to bed.

"Oh no she is back!" Hermione buried her head in her book again. Ginny just looked up from cleaning her nails. "Welcome back Jessica."

"So." Jessica rocked back on her heels. "I'm kind of bored now."

"Me too. Want to talk about boys?" Ginny gasped. "You HAVE to hook me up with your brother! You just have to! I will like seriously die if I can not have Harry J. Potter!"

"Calm the heck down." Jessica told her. Hermione looked at Ginny "Why don't you just listen to my advice? Date someone else and pretend like you don't care about Harry and then he will totally want you."

"Yeah Hermione that's great advice! Act like a slut who dates everyone in school, Harry is going to love that!" Jessica pointed out. Man she is so smart.

"I think I know Harry more than you do lady!" Hermione growled. She was trying to be as smart as Jessica but that just wasn't possible.

"Uh, hello Her-hiney. Didn't you listen to what the all great and powerful Dumblebore said? I am Harry's sister, so I automatically know like ten times more about him than you do. So yeah. I win." Jessica stated.

Hermione then turned into a giant green monster and stormed out of the dormotority. "Soemone should call that big hairy guy about her."

"Who you mean Hagrid?" Ginny asked now flipping through a teen-witch magazine. "She does that all the time. You would too if you got stuck with a dumb name like Hermione."

"You think SHE has a dumb name? Wait until you have kids!" Jessica laughed. Ginny looked confused "What are you talking about?"

"Oh yeah I forgot. Nevermind you didn't hear anything from me." Jessica hypnotized Ginny and made her go to sleep.

"Whew thank God that's over with. Well I got my first classes tomorrow so I better so some shut eye." Jessica jumped into bed and turned off the light but she could go to sleep because Malfoy was outside her window singing love songs.

Until Hermione came by and ate him.


End file.
